I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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