I just threw up on my dentist
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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