I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize