She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
