Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
