after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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