She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
