would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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