I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
you never un-have a 4some
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
