Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i think i have herpe
just one?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize