i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
