i permit you to call me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
