i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
