You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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