I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
