I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
