I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
