I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
