ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I will die if light touches me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
