dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
