college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
