i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You are a genius and a whore.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
