My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
