My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
