If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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