Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
