why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
