see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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