Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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