Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
