I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
