i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
