its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I intend to get homeless drunk
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
