neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
