I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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