We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Found the puke drawer
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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