i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
