Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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