Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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