I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
