Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
