My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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