i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
