so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
