just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
