All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
