I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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