so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I had to cum in my sink.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
