that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
