Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
