I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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