3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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