I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
