Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
