I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
