I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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