Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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