I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
