I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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