Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
