my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
